Zaratan's contest
by cpneb
Summary: I'm not writing a Halloween story...then ja and I talked...oh, snap. Chapter 1 is the story, and Chapter 2 are the rejected titles. This is worse than being left in chat, unsupervised.
1. Chapter 1: the real deal

_**Zaratan's contest…**_

Disclaimer/Author's Notes: Kim Possible and all the characters of the show are owned by the Disney Company. Original lyrics to the songs referenced in this story and the music are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels. All other characters can be blamed on the author (he, however, is not responsible for all of their actions at all times, being barely responsible for himself most of the time).

This is a strictly not-for-profit, just-for-fun work.

Enjoy! Please read and review.

**A/N Forward: **

For Zaratan's Halloween contest…starring, the Z-man, himself (and, with his permission...probably no more after this one, however...)

Who knows what happens when you move?

--

_**Zaratan's contest…**_

--

Jason 'Zaratan' Jones managed to make it home in one piece after the long evening. He wasn't drunk, but tired. He'd had a long day, and the night out with Jurnee Jakes chasing Molson's was a long one. He had remembered that he needed to pick up some things at the store for his sweetheart, and he grinned as he placed the bag on the counter.

"Is that you, honey?" The muffled voice came though the bedroom door and he smiled.

"It's me," he replied, removing the rest of the items from the bag.

"Hurry up: I'm lonely," she purred, and Jason set a record time putting things away, making sure the exterior doors were locked, and headed into the bedroom. The move to Alberta had been a good idea, but the side benefits had been pure gold.

"Where are you, love?" he asked as he changed for bed.

"I'm in the bath, but I'll be out in a minute: go ahead and get under the covers, and I'll do some 'searching,'" She said in that tone of voice that Jason recognized (and loved) soooo well.

After Jason donned his PJs, he turned off the lights and executed a perfect submariner crash-dive under the covers. 'Search, and destroy' was one of his favorite games, and he grinned at the target he'd spotted on his long-range radar.

As he lifted his head slowly from under the covers, not unlike a periscope, he watched the door open, and the silhouette that graced the archway, backlit, was that of a goddess. He whistled approvingly, and she giggled as she turned off the bathroom light and climbed into bed. The curves on her body beckoned to him like a destroyer, ready to unleash it full load of depth charges on a sonar-targeted submarine, forcing it to surface for air and surrender.

She clicked on the bedside light and smiled, and her eyes danced their manic dance. "Thank you, my little Cuddle toy," and Jason screamed at DNAmy...

there were no survivors...

--

…and Jason woke with a start. He could feel an itch in his nose, which was something odd at this time of night, and he started to reach up to scratch it; unfortunately, he realized that his hands were tied…literally...as were his feet.

He was tied, spread-eagled, on a four-poster bed. The lights were flickering, and he thought that there was something wrong, but it was the spinning glitter ball hanging from the middle of the mirrored ceiling that had captured his attention-

'Mirrored ceiling?' He gasped inside. 'Jason, you're _**not**_ in Toronto anymore,' and the crack of leather on wood grabbed his attention, and he struggled to lift his head.

'Is this how they do things in Alberta?' he asked himself. He looked up and saw a red-headed devil standing on the chest at the foot of the bed facing away from him: a Cat-o-Nine-Tales in her right hand wearing a little black dress that highlighted every curve on her body and abaddon-black thigh-high leather boots with five-inch spike heels

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice a bit higher than normal and with more than a hint of a quiver in it. He heard a soft chuckle from the gorgeous auburn-haired devil as she snapped the whip in the air and wiggled her hips in a way that captured his complete attention and pushed all thought out of his mind for a moment.

"I've got you, my pretty," she whispered, "and all your not-so-little surprises, too," and she cackled out loud, tossing her auburn mane back and forth.

He shook his head to try to clear the image of her from his mind and managed it just long enough to get out, "Kim? Is that you?"

At his words, the young woman turned to face him. He expected to find green eyes looking out from under the auburn hood of her hair, but instead he found blue one's gazing down on him

"Joss?" he squeaked, and Joss, looking a very healthy-looking 24-year-old, smiled and walked onto the bed until she was standing next to him then she bent down just enough to cares his cheek with the business end of the cat-o-nine-tails.

"Are you ready for another ride, big boy?" she grinned as she stood back up and with her left hand, reached behind and started to slowly unzip the dress from the back. "That was some spankin' spankin' you did: Liz is still smiling, but it's my turn now."

"She planned this, you know," Joss smiled as she continued. "She's watched you at the Fannies every year since the first one she attended, and she was sure she knew what you wanted, so here we are, and here you are," she giggled, and Jason saw the 14-year-old come out, but it was quickly replaced by the young woman's smirk.

"Tara's a great teacher, isn't she?" she laughed as she straddled him with one heeled foot on each side of his waist, then lowered herself down to her knees: as the unzipped dress fell to pool around her waist, revealing her 'Catherine's Confessions' sheer lace strapless bra.

"Save some for me," a familiar voice came from the hallway, and Joss laughed. 'Kim?' Jason thought

"Me too, Kimmie: I want to try some of that 'Canadian bacon,'" a second voice called, and Jason's eyes widened: Dr. Anne?

"Me too, Princess: I want mine warm and toasty," a third voice chuckled, and Jason's eyes widened even more: Shego?

'All that red and black? Gee, football fans somewhere would be ecstatic,' he had an image pop into his head; the image took one look and ran away, screaming.

"Shore thing, ladies," Joss laughed as she reached up and unclasped the front of her bra with her left hand and smiled a smile that would make a man sign away his soul to spend five minutes basking in its glow. Then, as she raised her right hand and flourished the 'tools of the trade' over her head for a moment, she bent over at the waist and brought her face slowly to his

Her red hair covered his eyes and face just as he felt her lips brush his ear. "Yee-haw, Jason," she whispered huskily and as she sat back up he could see the seductive smile on her face as she lifted her right hand containing the cat-o-nine-tails, and Jason screamed…

…in ecstasy...

--

…He screamed, the popcorn went flying, and Jason sat straight up, amazingly still holding on to the candy bowl. When he finally was able to slow his breathing, he realized that he was sitting in his living room, in his lounge chair, and the television was still on, showing the CTV Halloween specials. The doorbell rang again, and he realized that this was Halloween, and he was handing out candy this year….

He stood, walked to the door, opened it, and dropped the candy bowl. Some distant part of his mind heard the bowl bounce (it was a very large plastic bowl), and he heard pieces of candy hit the floor, but the preponderance of his mind was focused, laser-like, on the vision before him.

"Hello, Jason," a sultry voice wafted through the doorway. Bonnie Rockwaller grinned: grinned like a Cheshire cat that was about to devour the proverbial canary. Jason, though, was in pure shock: she was wearing a LBD that left NOTHING to the imagination, and her 5-inch heels made certain that you knew what she had in mind. The red stole draping over her shoulders made her even the more enticing, and Jason could not help but wonder if the vision, standing there, wasn't really the goddesses Aphrodite made flesh and visiting this poor mortal to grant the great honor to see gazing upon her perfect flesh.

"B-B-B-B-Bonnie?" he stammered.

"Shush," she whispered and closed his mouth with a single digit of her right hand, stepping into the house, pushing him back, pushing the door closed behind her with her left foot, and locking the deadbolt all in one swift move. Once inside, she pulled off the stole, using both hands to lift it over her head and dropped it over Jason's shoulders, pulling it down until it was now looped around his waist, pulling him into her. He grinned like a Mad Dog as he gazed at her now-exposed bronzed and creamy shoulders and neck, and once again he wondered why he was not a vampire for Halloween.

Bonnie looked down and frowned at the candy on the floor, then looked up with a grin: "Awww, Jason: you dropped your 'bon-bons,'" she smirked. "Let's replace them with the real thing," she smiled and gazed into his eyes. Jason opened his mouth, but Bonnie replaced that same finger back at Jason's lips.

"Shhhhh, Jason," she purred. "I've been waiting such a very," she paused, "very long time to do this," she gave him a very seductive smile, and then she threw her arms around Jason's neck and administered a full 12 minutes of 'vertical CPR.'

Jason had no complaints, and his brain was lost in the stars, circling without meaning or caring...

When she released his lips, Jason smiled because he felt Bonnie wrap her left long luscious leg around him and begin to use it to rub the backside of his thighs and things just a little more north.

As she started to lick her lips, Bonnie began to melt into synthogoo,

and the poor man screamed…

…a blood curdling scream that caused his heart to set a new world land speed record...

--

…and he sat up in his bed, hyperventilating. He looked at the clock on the nightstand:

3:10 AM

"Oh, snap," he said.

He heard water running in his bathroom. "I need a drink...of water," he got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to pour himself a tall glass of 'Canada's Own' Pure Glacial Spring Water.

"Honey? Are you all right?" the low and sexy voice called from the bathroom, and Jason smiled.

"Fine, dear: just getting some water."

"Sounds delish: I'll have one, too," and he heard her heels click across the bedroom floor.

He loved her in her heels, and he reached up, opened the cabinet door, and pulled out another glass.

He poured her a glass of water and turned to hand it to her, and the glass fell from his numb hand in surprise…

"You dropped my water!" Dressed in a long, silk nightgown, heels, and chicken stole, Steve Barkin smiled. "Cheese and crackers, Jason," and Jason screamed…

...not unlike being plasma-burned by Shego, on a very, very bad day.

--

…Jason sat up.

He was panting in his sweat-filled bed, his pajamas soaked through and plastered to his body.

"Please, no," he whispered as he looked at the clock:

1:30 AM.

"I've got to quit reading cpneb's stories before bed," he reminded himself.

"?" a muffled voice came from next to him, and Jason smiled.

"Nothing to worry about, honey: just a bad dream," and Jason reached over and turned on the light...

...just as Twill and Tweed burst into the room.

"You're charged with multiple counts of atrocious fashion sense, Barkin." Tweed stated, and Jason realized that Barkin was in the room with him, still.

"Uh, not sure this is accurate; I'm wearing five-inch heels," he replied, and Twill laughed.

"Which is count one," Tweed informed him. "Those pumps, those toes…"

"Fall calls for some foot strapage," Twill said matter of fact-ly. "Besides, they're white, and it's after the U. S. Labour Day holiday," he added with a smirk.

"Count two, the nightgown." Tweed continued.

Twill countered with, "Clearly you didn't pull it off."

Tweed laughed. "And, that's a good thing, too, because of the upper strapage," and Barkin blushed.

"And, finally: count three, the chicken stole." Well, Tweed had Barkin there.

"That was _**so**_ two seasons ago," replied Twill.

"Your parents must be _**real**_ proud of you," Tweed said as he escorted Barkin out of the room with Twill.

"You guys do realize I don't normally dress in this manner," Steve said as the door closed.

"Tell it to the judge," came from Twill s the heels clicked into the distance.

Jason sat in his bed for a moment, and a rustling of the sheets caused him to turn back to look-

The scream could be heard throughout the entire province of Alberta as the scream responded to the question from the other side of the bed:

"Moo?"

--

**Author's afterward:**

This is for Zaratan, in honor of his move to Alberta, his 'searching', and for being an all-around good person: who else would put up with all of us? May you have more luck in 'real life' than here in this tale.

This is all the fault of one ja: this came from a 30-minute conversation, consisting mostly of 25 minutes of laughs.

...and, that doesn't include the hours of research (0.25, to be precise) to ensure hysterical accuracy and to ensure that StarEva01 would have to read this close to plumbing and a certain Air Force mechanic wouldn't get any ideas...well, snap: too late, 'neb.

Please, do not blame any of this on kt (I BEG YOU!). She never saw it until it was too late.

Chapter 2: rejected story titles, is here. Take a peek...if you dare.

--

Thanks again for reading, and please review.

--


	2. Chapter 2: rejected story titles

_**Zaratan's contest…**_

Disclaimer/Author's Notes: Kim Possible and all the characters of the show are owned by the Disney Company. Original lyrics to the songs referenced in this story and the music are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels. All other characters can be blamed on the author (he, however, is not responsible for all of their actions at all times, being barely responsible for himself most of the time).

This is a strictly not-for-profit, just-for-fun work.

Enjoy! Please read and review.

**A/N Forward: **

For Zaratan's Halloween contest…

Who knows what happens when you move?

--

_**Zaratan's contest…**_

--

Chapter 2: the top 10 story titles that didn't make the cut for this one:

--

From the home office in the borderlands of North Texas: I have, in my hands, the list of the Top 10 Story titles that didn't get selected for this tale...let's be blunt: they were rejected!

There are actually 11, because two were so bad, I could neither drop nor ignore them in their entirity.

Number 10:

The Nightmare... on Z Street

Tied for Number 9

The Great White Night-mare; and

And, you thought Cupid was busy…

Number 8

Dreams can come true…ewww

Number 7

We're not over the rainbow...for sure

Number 6

Frozen North Night Terrors

Number 5

No 'neb after midnight

Number 4

Maple Leaf Nightmare Extravaganza

Number 3

Canadian Rocky Mountain Horror Picture Show, eh?

Number 2

Rocky Mountain low...not Toronto...

And, the Number 1 rejected story title (for obvious reasons):

An a-moo-sing tale

--

Thanks again for reading, and please review.

--

**Author's afterward:**

This is for Zaratan, in honor of his move to Alberta, his 'searching', and for being an all-around good person: who else would put up with all of us? May you have more luck in 'real life' than here in this tale.

The story is all the fault of one ja: this came from a 30-minute conversation, consisting mostly of 25 minutes of laughs. The second chapter is squarely the fault of Star-Eva01 for suggesting an alternative title...when we're together, we're sometimes worse than some people in chat, it seems, and the alternate chapter titles poured forth not unlike the runoff from a flooded sewer drain.

Again, I beg you: do not blame any of this on kt: she never saw it until it was too late.

--

Thanks again for reading, and please review.

--


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